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i was once quite lovely, now i'm something else

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silly girl [20 Feb 2008|10:35am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i could fall
like a star or
an angel
or just a silly girl
fall for the way
your voice gets soft
and your hands
are rough
and your mind
is sharp
and winds through mine
like your fingers
in my palm
and my hair
kisses dusting like
snow or powdered
falling already
past common sense
without a net
knowing already
how hard
i'll land.

10 comments|post comment

[07 Sep 2007|10:02pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I miss you A, wherever you are, crazy as that sounds...

i wish you were here, the way you were, before things got all crazy...

i've got such a new life now, you wouldn't recognize me...except for the cats....

4 comments|post comment

so different yet so much the same [07 Sep 2007|09:37pm]
I gave you all I had
I gave you good and bad
I gave but you just threw it back

I won't get on my knees
Don't make me do that please
I've been away but now I'm back

Don't be too sure of that
What makes you sure of that
You went away, you can't come back

I walked away from you
I hurt you through and through
Aw honey give me one more chance

Aw you're a lucky son
Lucky son of a gun
You went away, you went away
You went away but now you're back

I got down on my knees
And then I begged you please
I always knew you'd take me back

-The Jesus & Mary Chain
'Sometimes Always'

not that was exactly what happened, but you get the point....some things never change....like me...
3 comments|post comment

in the stars... [16 May 2007|02:03pm]
[ mood | busy ]

i don't feel like working so i did a free tarot card reading and compatibility match with Mr. X...so here it is...it seems pretty right on as far as my personality is...his too...take a look


Jen, your Heart's Desire is 8

You want success in its fullest meaning -- wealth, power, and material comforts. You have an enormous ambition. You dream of big projects, great undertakings, and rewards.

You are a visionary. You see the horizon and the promise. In general, you also see the methods necessary to fulfill that promise. But you are not especially good with details; you need others to help you deal with the smaller parts of the picture. Your challenge is to make full use of the full spectrum of your abilities, as indicated by your other core numbers. In the same way, you must bring forth the best from others and orchestrate their talents toward the realization of your vision. In short, you must lead by example, demonstrating the standard for commitment, determination, and excellence.

All of this requires effort on your part. You will meet with obstacles and difficulties. Your determination and commitment will be tested. But you have the power to overcome every obstacle you face and accomplish the goal you've set for yourself.

Your task in life is to learn to use power in refined and elevated ways. The expression and use of power is directly related to one's personal evolution. The more primitive uses of power rest with violence and the threat of deprivation. The higher expressions depend upon your capacity to care for and nourish the people and projects in your charge, giving each exactly what is needed at the appropriate time and in appropriate amounts.

You have a creative mind and an unusual approach to business and problem-solving.

You need to cultivate your ability to evaluate others.

It is essential for you to be involved in a project that challenges you and offers the potential for rewards. When you are uninvolved or unoccupied with a worthwhile task, you can become deeply despondent, depressed, and frustrated. You are the perfect example of the old cliche, "Idle hands are the devils workshop." Without a challenge, you can lose balance in life and become selfish, cruel, and even self-destructive. Disappointments become shattering, causing terrible consequences in self-image and self-love.

Perspective is everything for you. You have a natural talent for balancing the spiritual and material planes.

You need to cultivate courage and stamina. Courage is a choice. You need to decide to be brave in the face of fear. A balanced 8 is among the most powerful and satisfying of numbers. It is the spirit of the true survivor, able to bounce back and achieve a greater victory.

Mr. X, your Heart's Desire is 12/3

You love a good time. You are generally happy, friendly, and outgoing. You have a gift for gab. You are very witty, creative, and playful. You inspire and entertain people. You are considered by many a great companion.

Many outstanding comedians have this Heart's Desire. You have a good mental and emotional balance and there is little that gets you down.

You have a gift for self expression and are drawn to the verbal arts -- writing, acting, singing, and poetry. You may have a great talent in one of these areas. If your creativity is blocked or suppressed, you tend to daydream and fantasize. Your imagination needs a constructive outlet; otherwise, it may run away with you.

At the same time, you may have great difficulty expressing your deeper feelings and important personal thoughts. You prefer to stay on the surface, entertaining people with your wit.

If you fail to deal honestly with your inner nature, you may succumb to compulsive talking. Such behavior may be merely a way of siphoning off emotional energy that is building beneath your surface. Your deeply felt emotional life cannot be avoided or suppressed. But you possess the talent to channel these feelings into highly creative and artistic form. Art and self-expression are your outlets.

You need discipline to make full use of your abilities. Too often, you may scatter your energies in many directions, beginning projects that are never finished and never really succeeding in anything.

You success depends on your ability to commit to your work and to see it through to completion. You have so much creativity and inspiring upward energy that you are in desperate need of an anchor. Hard work and discipline serve this purpose and bring out the best in you.

Because you are gifted with such a sparkling personality, you are tempted to stay on the surface and play with life. You are confident and love the attention others give you, but these characteristics can lead to vanity and self-absorption.

You have the potential to live a very full and successful life thanks to your talent for artistic self expression. The key to your success is a balance between the creative forces and self-disclose.

Your Heart's Desire's compatibility is 8 and 3

Mr. X and Jen, the three and the eight affect one in very different ways. So, when these two numbers appear together in this part of the chart, the couples are compatible in some areas, incompatible in others. Mr. X brings in the creative, somewhat scattered, but yet inspiring and uplifting energy. Jen is more ambitious, goal-oriented and focused. You are both energetic and capable of turning dreams into reality, even though with different approaches. Quite often, this combination is seen between business partners, or long-time friends who start a business together. In that environment, Mr. X would be the initial creative source, while Jen would be the visionary. Together, you could do very well.

You are also both good communicators. Mr. X has the ability to clarify an issue with a sense of humor and pinpoint precision. Jen takes a more practical approach by simply grabbing the bull by the horns.

In many ways, Mr. X and Jen, you complement each other and are quite compatible, as revealed in this part of the chart. But, just like in any other number combination, there are areas where problems may arise.

Jen is ambitious, practical and capable of sustained effort for a long period of time in order to reach a goal. Mr. X also has the energy and drive needed to make things happen, but Mr. X may drop a project when it is no longer interesting or when other projects become more important. This can be upsetting to Jen, who feels that a commitment, such as a set goal, should be honored at any rate - - anything less is unacceptable to Jen.

Mr. X, on the other hand, will sometimes feel that Jen’s priorities are too much directed to Jen’s own needs and expectations. Jen can be quite demanding, while Mr. X is more easy-going - - if something doesn’t work out, oh well, let’s try something else. Jen doesn’t accept that and feels that the whole purpose of setting a goal is to overcome the obstacles one is bound to encounter.

In the end, the issue comes down to respect. The three and the eight have such different views as to what is important in life that, unless they learn to respect each other’s needs and expectations, the relationship will not last long. However, more often than not, the three and the eight get along quite well.

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[14 May 2007|02:31pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

my head is buzzing and my body feels electric...but for all this psychic energy, i am blank...i came to work today because i couldn't think of anything better to do...i need to vacuum and do laundry but i spent all yesterday afternoon reading...i was exhausted after a day at dog beach and so was my little paco...he crashed out when we got home and ignored all the kitties sniffing him...i feel the excitement of expectation...not that i know him, because i don't, but that i might get to know him...i feel like i've been alone for so long in this crazy head of mine, i wouldn't even know how to let anyone in...i feel like i have to keep up this front of being superwoman, independent and strong and sassy, and i don't know how someone - a certain someone - would react to seeing my weakness...all i let him see is the me that doesn't need anyone else, when that is such a lie...and then i wonder what i would even do with a boyfriend, when my life is quiet and removed and self-contained...someone to camp with, ride roller coasters with, hug & kiss...and then there's all that other crapola that i have tried to put behind me...there are so many things i would rather not have to admit that i've done, not that i'm necessarily ashamed, but saying them brings them back, and that is just a painful reminder that i have spent much of my life being stupid and selfish and wasteful...but the more i pretend to be this grown-up successful woman, the more it becomes true...and i just have to trust that if i ever love & am loved again, they will not care about my past...my soul has been quiet lately, but his kiss kickstarted something in me that leaves me trembling and trying to remember the line of his jaw & the softness of his hair, the way his hand felt on my cheek, the blue of his eyes & the gap in his teeth, and i wonder if i can be objective enough to do what is best for me and my life...i stopped dating a year ago because i knew i was making awful choices, and i needed time to be alone so that i could figure out what kind of man would be good for me...well, i've gotten a substantial raise at work, i have lost 35 pounds (with 40 more to go), i have fucked up and done some other awful things...on the whole though i feel stronger than i did on the eve of my 29th birthday, and now that 30 is around the corner, maybe i am ready to give to someone else while still holding on to what i have, and what i have become...

7 comments|post comment

[13 Feb 2006|04:50pm]

should i...

go to gym?

or go to dad's and beg for money to buy cat food for tucker?

or, i could kill two birds etc and just give tucker all my food...
9 comments|post comment

general malaise... [08 Feb 2006|10:16am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

what is wrong with me? i mean, i know whats WRONG wrong, but i've just been in this keep-my-head-down-stick-close-to-home funk. sure i needed a break from the big bad world after the work-hell of last week, but i think this recent pinched nerve is just a manifestation of my greater fear of engaging in life. if i'm in pain, i can feel justified not leaving the house.

maybe i need my meds adjusted again. or healthy food. or therapy.

because...i love my new apartment, my new kitty tucker, and yes, i even kinda love that boy. (he does have the bluestblueyblue eyes...)

but i miss twinkle with fresh pain everyday. i can't find the energy to ever finish unpacking, or go to the gym, or even do the laundry. curling up in bed and hiding is not helping. i need to get the fuck out and see some new scenery or have a conversation at the coffeeshop or walk through that lil bit o' nature we call the back bay. i need to do something besides obsessively crave mi casa and pick lint out of the carpet. work calls all the time, nights, weekends, whatever. but thats just an excuse. if i tell gina i'm taking off for the weekend, well then what can she do? maybe i should just GO this weekend, maybe joshua tree, maybe palm springs, just somewhere vast and lonely to clear my head. maybe.

anyhoo. gotta work. be back later.

4 comments|post comment

[03 Jan 2006|11:23am]
[ mood | cranky ]

some days i just want to pack it all in, move to some little town in south of nowhere hicksville, marry a local, breed copiously, gain 400 lbs, drink boxed wine, and eventually choke to death on a chicken wing.

it sounds better than how today is going. bleah.

6 comments|post comment

[11 Sep 2005|03:01pm]
a happy lazy sunday...happy for some alone time, quiet, sunshine, kitties...this is all i want out of life...and i have it...go me...

by the end of the month, i'll have enough for a deposit on my OWN PLACE...i am trying so so so hard not to go shopping (i still have clothes with tags on them, clothes that need to be washed, need to go to the dry cleaner, i CANNOT go shopping)...getting my raise was the last little boost i needed...after 13 months - or 28 yrs, however you want to look at it - i am finally shaping a plan to get out of the nest...an actual plan, instead of just moving around randomly, pawning my stereo to pay rent, etc etc...i also decided to clean my room for 30 minutes a day...not just my room, but my car, my closet, really get rid of stuff...

but today is a happy lazy sunday, so i can justify another 24 hours of procrastination, and read with the kitty...this will be my last quiet time for at least another week, monday morning i go back to tomuchworktoolittlesleep mode and piyo & tkb & powersculpt and insanity...yay...
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[10 Sep 2005|01:58am]



i've been thinking about coming back?

is anyone there?

is it safe?

i have missed you...

please tell me what major events i have missed in your lives...

i have been a busy busy girl, leading the kind of life i only dreamed of two years ago...hell, a year ago...

and they're all my dreams...and they're coming true...and its all my doing...well, me and God...

i understand people have a problem...issue...confusion...with my being a Christian...

i am still jen...just a more loving, forgiving, peaceful jen...happy, serene, centered, fulfilled

is that so bad? and, no, i am not judging you...and no, MOM, i am not voting republican...

but i have found this serenity for a reason...and it does not make me perfect...and i do tons of shitty things...but i pray every day for strength and forgiveness and guidance...and now i know where to direct these prayers...and please do not forget, i did not make these changes solely alone...i asked - no DARED - God to come into my heart and change it...change my life...and within six months i had an awesome boyfriend, a great job, and i'd quit drinking...and the biggest change was in my heart...the one thing i'd thought impossible...

tell me the difference, and tell me i'm weak for my 'crutch'...

if i want to follow a good example - and my life wasn't going so great, if you recall - then i got what i wished for...and more...

my friends still love me...so does my boy...i work out everyday, and i'm getting skinnier (right, nico?)...i work my ass off at a job where i am challenged and needed...i haven't read lj in months, and i hope that you will fill me in through comments, i would love to come back into your lives if you will have me, and be caught up, i miss this more than you know...i left out of fear and pain, and i'm back because i loved this more than that...

whether a myth or a lie or the truth or whatever, there are worse people to emulate than jesus...please don't judge me for that, whatever your prejudices...i know i had my own disdain for christians...

10 comments|post comment

musings... [18 Apr 2005|10:51am]
i've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness...and the paradox i keep encountering is that by needing to forgive, i.e. receive an apology, i am also the one that needs to be forgiven. i am the one that needs to apologize. profound and twisted and suddenly it makes sense to me.

i can't even pretend to know how many people i've hurt through selfishness, through my self-destructive actions, through apathy and fear. i do know that i thought of myself as a good person, and i was reinforced enough to half believe it. the crime was not that i was deluded. the crime was that i acted out all my bad feelings as bad behavior towards the people i loved most. friends. family. lovers. i have nine months dry. i won't say sober, because that implies AA to me, and i have gone a different way. but in nine months, i have had a 'rebirth', as cliche as that sounds, and i no longer feel the same way about things as i did when i was drinking. amazing how that happens. the hurt is still there, and i can touch it and remember it, and i hope it always stays as a reminder of how i was. but it doesn't drown me anymore. i do not despair. i do not cry everyday. i do not drink to kill the pain. i do not drink. at all.

but what i do need to do is apologize. there are two people in particular that i need to apologize to today. now, i know there are many more people that i have hurt, but today it is just for these two. because i realized while i had been sitting around, hurt and angry and feeling betrayed, that i was waiting for them to apologize, when really i was the one that fucked up. amazing how that happens. so.


you know who you are. at least, you should. its been a year or so since we've spoken, and although we've both moved on with our lives, it sucks having that ache inside, the place where i used to think of you and feel good. you don't have to forgive me. just know that i realized that i was wrong.
3 comments|post comment

last posted 9/27/02...i needed reminding [02 Sep 2004|11:43pm]
What people do to you is rarely about you and is almost always about them. Don't take the actions of others personally. This is a profound truth because once you grasp it, your relationships will be transformed. Think about it.

-stolen from MSN relationship advice
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thank god for reno 911 [15 Jul 2004|11:33am]
trudy wiegel:

"F*** you! I'm going to get in my car and drive into the ****ing ocean!"

"F***ing Koreans..."

"Sometimes I think about stabbing Garcia. In the daytime. In front of people."

"Oh, I'll just go out on the front lawn and blow my brains out then."

"We're like brother and sister. But a brother and sister who have sex."

"I posted a sign that said, "Keep the Asians out", but I never heard back, but then I didn't leave my name or any information."

"I thought she was going to get a machete and cut my head off."

"Halloween is a dangerous time of year. This one year some one brought a bag of jolly ranchers to the station, and I almost choked on one."

"I don't care if you're wearing skirts or dungarees, but you can be sure, that eventually all of you will be raped."

"What if I said, which n***** took the last doughnut?"

"Let's just say, I failed a test to be a member of a book club."

"I'll bit your tits off!"

"That's what a robot would say if he wanted bread."

"Officer Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins...someone who for instance comes riding in on a jalopy and he has whipped ices for all the little children and he says 'come along everyone I have whipped ices'...and then when they get close enough to him he grabs 'em and rapes the sh*t out of 'em. Then he tosses 'em in the back seat and off he goes and then 'chip chip cheerio'."

"He wants my vagina."

"just imagine you go to your doctor and say "oh i've been raped" and he says "oh my god ...." but then he says "but you know what, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow ... you're pregnant ... and you're having triplets" and then i call everybody ... that hasn't happened to me ... yet."

garcia: "wiegel, call for help"
wiegel: (screaming) "HELP" "HELP"
garcia: "dammit, use your radio"

(after shooting a robber) "I DID IT! I DID ... SOMETHING. HAHA. USA! USA! USA!"
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oh yeah and,,, [07 Jul 2004|02:55am]
"love, love, will tear us apart again..."


"just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you..."
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[07 Jul 2004|02:44am]
[ mood | amused ]

sometimes i wonder about my happiness...and what it means to other people...most people i know are glad for my good fortune...but i've been told they don't know me...

i don't believe that, necessarily

what i do believe is, from my years of negative experiences, is:

the secret to happiness, the secret to love and life is,


just love. a whole lot. the best you can.


a cynical person will never be a truly happy person.

maybe the only thing i've discovered about myself is that my attention span is tøo short to hold a grudge.

well, mostly.

love, jen.

oh and i love you.

all the same...

1 comment|post comment

[06 Jul 2004|08:40pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

thanks for the birthday wishes...it was a good day...raymie came over to the barbecue at my parents house, and roomie sam showed up for a while...my relatives...the boy and his family (whose father, we just discovered, went to college with my uncle...they were friends, and remembered each other)...it was a mellow little partay, ending with me having a b-day dessert drink at the local dive with rayray and the boy...then on to kick it with the boys friends and then sleep sleep sleep...its been another good day, just hangin with the girls and drinkin coffee and talkin smack...there could be things that i wish were different, but i can't waste my energy...i'm too busy feelin happy...and tomorrow i have to get to work...there is lots to be done if i want to reach my goals...its funny how much can change when you are just trying to survive...you may not wind up where you were trying to go, but you end up right where you should be...

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healing [01 Jul 2004|11:58pm]
[ mood | content ]

everything is just so weird...weird but good...after the last year, i didn't think i would ever feel this kind of peace and contentment again...not that things are perfect, but they are getting better everyday...i don't miss the bar scene...i don't miss feeling like crap all the time, physically and mentally...i have been seeing some people from my past lately, and its been pretty cool...i have been catching myself at my codependency and stopping it before i can do any damage, to myself or others...i think about where i was a year ago...crying every day, drunk all the time, frustrated and depressed and sick of it all...now i am enjoying my days...enjoying my life...excited about the thought of starting my new job...being able to help people, maybe make a positive difference in someone's life...i'll be 27 on sunday, and for the first time i think i am beginning to understand some of the peace that comes with maturity...i have lived my wild days, and years...now i just want my coffee and kitty, and oh yes, the boy...a book, a blanket, and of course, the boy...kisses and hugs, and my sweet boy...

there is so much i was never able to appreciate before, so much i threw away, but some of the wrongs have been righted, and thats enough to keep my balance today

3 comments|post comment

[27 Jun 2004|01:00pm]
Happy Birthday, Bess..
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[26 Jun 2004|04:59pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

if anyone knew, they'd say i was crazy...and so is he...but maybe two crazy people deserve a little happiness...i feel so 18...or 16...or 14...but more than that i feel timeless...i am happy with this moment...i am still me, but perhaps a better me, than ever before...i have prospects...i have a future...but still, i am just lovin the moment...and lovin him...and he is a better him than ever before, too...we can talk and laugh and love and put away the past and the drama and the chaos...we both desire peace...peaceful lives...quiet lives, and the passion of our art...and that, today, is enough to make my heart sing...and i sing my praises to God, who has answered my prayers...

4 comments|post comment

[19 Jun 2004|07:21pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I am happy.
I am strong.
I love myself.
I am loved.

ya wanna hear a joke?

What do two codependents do when they want to go on vacation?

Beg the other one not to leave.

i got what might be a very good job, so oregon might be shelved for a while. bummer. but with a silverypurplygolden lining. i am so 14.

but happyhappyhappy

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