"F*** you! I'm going to get in my car and drive into the ****ing ocean!"
"Sometimes I think about stabbing Garcia. In the daytime. In front of people."
"Oh, I'll just go out on the front lawn and blow my brains out then."
"We're like brother and sister. But a brother and sister who have sex."
"I posted a sign that said, "Keep the Asians out", but I never heard back, but then I didn't leave my name or any information."
"I thought she was going to get a machete and cut my head off."
"Halloween is a dangerous time of year. This one year some one brought a bag of jolly ranchers to the station, and I almost choked on one."
"I don't care if you're wearing skirts or dungarees, but you can be sure, that eventually all of you will be raped."
"What if I said, which n***** took the last doughnut?"
"Let's just say, I failed a test to be a member of a book club."
"I'll bit your tits off!"
"That's what a robot would say if he wanted bread."
"Officer Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins...someone who for instance comes riding in on a jalopy and he has whipped ices for all the little children and he says 'come along everyone I have whipped ices'...and then when they get close enough to him he grabs 'em and rapes the sh*t out of 'em. Then he tosses 'em in the back seat and off he goes and then 'chip chip cheerio'."
"He wants my vagina."
"just imagine you go to your doctor and say "oh i've been raped" and he says "oh my god ...." but then he says "but you know what, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow ... you're pregnant ... and you're having triplets" and then i call everybody ... that hasn't happened to me ... yet."
garcia: "wiegel, call for help"
wiegel: (screaming) "HELP" "HELP"
garcia: "dammit, use your radio"
(after shooting a robber) "I DID IT! I DID ... SOMETHING. HAHA. USA! USA! USA!"