i was once quite lovely, now i'm something else (the_hippy_chick) wrote,
i was once quite lovely, now i'm something else


i've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness...and the paradox i keep encountering is that by needing to forgive, i.e. receive an apology, i am also the one that needs to be forgiven. i am the one that needs to apologize. profound and twisted and suddenly it makes sense to me.

i can't even pretend to know how many people i've hurt through selfishness, through my self-destructive actions, through apathy and fear. i do know that i thought of myself as a good person, and i was reinforced enough to half believe it. the crime was not that i was deluded. the crime was that i acted out all my bad feelings as bad behavior towards the people i loved most. friends. family. lovers. i have nine months dry. i won't say sober, because that implies AA to me, and i have gone a different way. but in nine months, i have had a 'rebirth', as cliche as that sounds, and i no longer feel the same way about things as i did when i was drinking. amazing how that happens. the hurt is still there, and i can touch it and remember it, and i hope it always stays as a reminder of how i was. but it doesn't drown me anymore. i do not despair. i do not cry everyday. i do not drink to kill the pain. i do not drink. at all.

but what i do need to do is apologize. there are two people in particular that i need to apologize to today. now, i know there are many more people that i have hurt, but today it is just for these two. because i realized while i had been sitting around, hurt and angry and feeling betrayed, that i was waiting for them to apologize, when really i was the one that fucked up. amazing how that happens. so.


you know who you are. at least, you should. its been a year or so since we've spoken, and although we've both moved on with our lives, it sucks having that ache inside, the place where i used to think of you and feel good. you don't have to forgive me. just know that i realized that i was wrong.
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