i just went through 497 journal entries and am feeling sort of...zen...everything is either public or private now...i have just sifted through years' worth of memories and tonight doesn't seem so bad after all. well, it is 4am and everything seems better at this time. all i can say is, sure i am totally f'ed in the head, and my self-esteem is below par...but if someone's gonna love me, then they're just gonna love me...they will listen to my side of the story before they make judgments...and if they can't talk to me first, then oh well. you see, i don't really mind when people tell lies about me, oh jen slept with so and so, or she's doing heroin, or she's a thief...i take it all with a grain of salt, and i believe that even if the truth doesn't come out in the end, i'm not really losing a friend if someone believes that blindly (and not blindly like they don't know my past, blindly like they never heard my side of things in the present)...so that almost amuses me sometimes, when my 'lore' becomes 'truth' and i have people i don't know all that well coming up to confirm rumors about me...i can blow that off...the real hurts are the true ones...the things i have to deal with...like i'm a 'victim'...like i play 'helpless'...these things are true...and i had a very long talk with my therapist about them...how i got here...how i turn it around...how to stop this feeling of impotence and get in there and kick some ass with some self-truth...maybe my deepest darkest secret is that i believe that people wouldn't actually like me if they knew the real me, the real bad things i did (and do). i feel like a fraud when lj people say nice things about me, because to tell you the truth, the people who truly know me really want very little to do with me at this point. i throw tantrums and break down and lie when i'm cornered. (i do not, however, steal or take heroin. but believe what you will.) i can't sustain anger at this point, it all washes off my back, and i'm hoping its the medication that is stopping my obsessing. it certainly seems to be helping with my mood. i don't try to hurt people, but i do real well with the accidental hurt. i am not asking for forgiveness, or absolution, or even for anyone to listen. but maybe, suspend judgment until you have heard me out. and if you know me that well, and have any love left, then i believe you can decipher the truth. my mama has taught me to turn the other cheek real good, and i will continue to do so. that is not a victim thing, that is just a hope thing.
so there you go.
and i know, if i hurt you and you have a tender heart, its going to take more than this. but if its worth it to you at all, then i will do what i can to make it up. you just have to remember that you believed in me at my worst, and i am not at my worst now. and that you were my confidant, that i didn't lie to you. and i still don't.
again, think what you must and believe what you will. i can only tell you my truth, and i'd rather tell it to you personally.