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i was once quite lovely, now i'm something else

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blah blah blah [07 Jun 2004|04:02pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

deadass broke. no gas in the car. missed a dr appt. but i have a job interview tomorrow where they are willing to pay me more than $9/hr, so woohoo! hope i can sleep tonight. i got all my pics organized this weekend and put together a scrap book. funfun. i need pruning shears so my roses will be happy. i have more gardening stuff to keep me busy, and i am actually starting to look forward to working again. provided i don't run out of coffee, of course. need to go pick up wood from R's to make planter boxes. i love that girl. we stayed up late last night looking at pics and taking the dogs to the park and drinking cocoa. then i went home and pet the kitty. PET KITTY! i am still twisting ideas in my head about how to get to oregon by august. i have dreams about it every night, so i know my subconscious is working on it.

didn't make it to church yesterday. last week the pastor at calvary pissed me off(not a good excuse i know, but i slept really late). then my therapist REALLY pissed me off when i told her that i don't want to be in any church where they are getting down on gays, and she made some very wrong comments that i don't care to repeat. fuckin a. anyway. seven still has not come back and i miss him terribly. i sent a letter of apology to someone i have not seen in many years. don't know if it was a good idea, but it seemed like the right thing to do. i don't expect anything out of it. going over all the old pictures and letters was very therapeutic. it reminded me of who i was, and for the first time it wasn't like a sock in the gut. it was just...okay.

yeah, i'm lovin these meds.

4 comments|post comment

90 miles south of portland... [17 May 2004|12:53pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

the computer at home is down, and i probably wouldn't have even bothered coming to my mom's to get online, except i am looking for a job. in oregon. yes, i am moving to oregon, so all those people who said that if i ever went there i would love it so much i would move there, are right. i'm looking at july 10 to be outta here, and i already have people looking for a job and housing for me up there (tonya's huge huge family). i told my parents and they didn't freak or anything. i think they might still be a little stunned by the 'i'm a christian' announcement. i am hoping to get a job at O.S.U. (in corvallis), and maybe even go to grad school there. that, and meet a nice christian rancher boy to settle down with. my dad's only comment was, 'i hope this doesn't mean you'll start voting republican...'

not likely.

seven ran away while i was out of town and i am very very sad. i have gone to all the neighbors and raymie is making posters. my therapist says he's probably just out having a good time.

my roomie sam says he's gonna miss me, and there is a part of me that will miss parts of here, but just being up there made me realize i'd found my place, and i haven't had a second thought. i am already disengaging, thinking about details, packing, saving, trailers, who i need to say goodbye to. it all makes sense to me now, all the crap and the pain, the feeling like there was something better out there than what i was experiencing, the feeling like something was going to break loose any day. and for the first time i don't feel like i'm running away from something, but rather running to.

but i'm hungry so i'm gonna go. love ya.

6 comments|post comment

bitches and candy...my two favorite things... [10 Apr 2004|04:40am]

My LJ username is bitchcandie.
Take The LiveJournal Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

1 comment|post comment

[10 Apr 2004|03:54am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

i just went through 497 journal entries and am feeling sort of...zen...everything is either public or private now...i have just sifted through years' worth of memories and tonight doesn't seem so bad after all. well, it is 4am and everything seems better at this time. all i can say is, sure i am totally f'ed in the head, and my self-esteem is below par...but if someone's gonna love me, then they're just gonna love me...they will listen to my side of the story before they make judgments...and if they can't talk to me first, then oh well. you see, i don't really mind when people tell lies about me, oh jen slept with so and so, or she's doing heroin, or she's a thief...i take it all with a grain of salt, and i believe that even if the truth doesn't come out in the end, i'm not really losing a friend if someone believes that blindly (and not blindly like they don't know my past, blindly like they never heard my side of things in the present)...so that almost amuses me sometimes, when my 'lore' becomes 'truth' and i have people i don't know all that well coming up to confirm rumors about me...i can blow that off...the real hurts are the true ones...the things i have to deal with...like i'm a 'victim'...like i play 'helpless'...these things are true...and i had a very long talk with my therapist about them...how i got here...how i turn it around...how to stop this feeling of impotence and get in there and kick some ass with some self-truth...maybe my deepest darkest secret is that i believe that people wouldn't actually like me if they knew the real me, the real bad things i did (and do). i feel like a fraud when lj people say nice things about me, because to tell you the truth, the people who truly know me really want very little to do with me at this point. i throw tantrums and break down and lie when i'm cornered. (i do not, however, steal or take heroin. but believe what you will.) i can't sustain anger at this point, it all washes off my back, and i'm hoping its the medication that is stopping my obsessing. it certainly seems to be helping with my mood. i don't try to hurt people, but i do real well with the accidental hurt. i am not asking for forgiveness, or absolution, or even for anyone to listen. but maybe, suspend judgment until you have heard me out. and if you know me that well, and have any love left, then i believe you can decipher the truth. my mama has taught me to turn the other cheek real good, and i will continue to do so. that is not a victim thing, that is just a hope thing.

so there you go.

and i know, if i hurt you and you have a tender heart, its going to take more than this. but if its worth it to you at all, then i will do what i can to make it up. you just have to remember that you believed in me at my worst, and i am not at my worst now. and that you were my confidant, that i didn't lie to you. and i still don't.

again, think what you must and believe what you will. i can only tell you my truth, and i'd rather tell it to you personally.

1 comment|post comment

heh...stolen from nico [09 Apr 2004|04:13pm]
Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
The_hippy_chick's Lurgy
Cause:old library books
Symptoms:back pain, halo, redness of nose
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:
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my second favorite, after donna...good enough! (he's so cute...) [21 Aug 2003|10:53am]
You're Hyde. You are cool, yet serious. Inside you
are a good guy, but you pretend to be tough.

Which That 70's Show Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
9 comments|post comment

[12 Aug 2003|07:06am]
some horrible bug just crawled across my foot and i screamed like a girl and now i am all scrunched up on my chair like an asshole...its way too early for this and i want to go home...i am going to hurt myself...
3 comments|post comment

[12 Aug 2003|06:59am]
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:the_hippy_chick
Your haiku:mr so and so this
is what you needed its a
beautiful damn song
Created by Grahame
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kinda cheesy, but i like it... [19 Jun 2003|01:02pm]

one old love she can imagine going back to...
and one who reminds her how far she has come...

enough money within her control to move out and
rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...

something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

a youth she's content to leave behind...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra.

one friend who always makes her laugh...
and one who lets her cry...

a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..

a feeling of control over her destiny...

how to fall in love without losing herself...

how to quit a job, break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

..when to try harder... and when to walk away...

that she can't change the length of her calves, the width
of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

whom she can trust, whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...
7 comments|post comment

i've wanted this song for months...finally downloaded it, thanks for the lyrics jonpants [09 Jun 2003|08:34pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I am the question to the world,
Not an answer to the earth,
Or a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I wont listen anyway.
You don't know me and,
I'll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you'd understand,
I'm a boy no, I'm a man.
You can take me and throw me away,
And how can you learn whats never shown.
Yeah you stand here on your own.
They don't know me,
Cause I'm not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I dont feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same.
They dont know me,
Cause im not here.

And you see the things they never see,
All you wanted I could be.
Now you know me and I'm not afraid.
And I wanna tell you who i am,
Can you help be a man?
They can't break me as long as I know who I am.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I dont feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same.
They can't see me,
but I'm still here.

They can't tell me who to be,
Cause I'm not what they see.
Yeah the world is still sleeping,
While I keep on dreamin for me.
And their words are just whispers,
And lies I'll never believe.

And I wanna moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I dont feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change?
They're the ones that stay the same.
I'm the one now,
Cause I'm still here.
I'm the one,
Cause I'm still here,
I'm still here,
I'm still here,
I'm still here.

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more fun on my best night.... [07 Jun 2003|05:01am]
A Little Gasoline
(Tammy Rogers/Dean Miller)

Throwin' pictures out the window
Scattered by the way the wind blows
Bye bye baby that's the last I'll see of you

Shoebox full of old love letters
I'll tear each one till I feel better
And I won't look back 'cause I don't like the view

What my heart needs now is rest
So I'm packin up and I'm headed west
My mind's made up I put it to the test
Pushin myself and this old machine
Burnin fumes and what's left of my dreams
Let 'em go 'cause I don't need no strings
Just give me a road and a little gasoline

We talked in circles till the words ran out
And it all came down to an angry shout
Before I knew it I was in 3rd gear and gone

Well this has been comin for a long long time
If I said I'm sorry well I'd be lyin
If you think I'd never make it well you'd be wrong

What my heart needs now is rest
So I'm packin up and I'm headed west
My mind's made up I put it to the test
Pushin myself and this old machine
Burnin fumes and what's left of my dreams
Let 'em go 'cause I don't need no strings
Just give me a road and a little gasoline
post comment

heres the start of my girls singing county songs...i would suggest listening to the real thing [07 Jun 2003|04:58am]
(Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Troy Verges)

If I'm not over you, by the time I get to Georgia,
Then I guess I'll be Alabama bound,
There was a time when I'd do anything for ya,
But this time baby, I won't turn around.

I always wanted to get married, and I thought you were the one,
But you never, ever asked me and I was tired of hangin' on,
You know a girl can only be let down, so many times before she runs,
And now this little bitty town's only got room for one of us, yeah.

You always said I'd never leave, and if I did I wouldn't go far,
So I know how I must look with my tank o' gas and beat up heart,
Well, baby I'm gone for good, you can count on that,
I'm gonna keep headin' west 'til I'm too far gone to come back, yeah.

And if I'm not over you, by the time I get to Georgia,
Then I'll be Alabama bound,
There was a time when I'd do anything for ya,
But this time baby, oh, I won't turn around.

I only got ten miles to go, before I cross the state line,
I can feel my hands shaking, 'cause they usually turn the wheel around about this time,
I heard that same ol' voice inside, I had to drown it out,
So I found me a radio station playing something fast and I turned it up real loud.


There was a time when I'd do anything for ya,
But this time baby, oh, I won't turn around, yeah,
No I won't turn around,
If I'm not over you by the time I get to Georgia, then I'll head to Alabama,
Roll on to Mississippi, or maybe Louisiana,
I'll drive all the way to California,
Oh, I won't turn around,
No, I won't turn around,
No, I won't turn around,
No, I won't turn around.
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here mr. so and so, this is what you needed, its a beautiful damn song [07 Jun 2003|02:08am]
I don't take my whiskey to extremes
Don't believe in chasin' crazy dreams
My feet are planted firmly on the ground
But darlin' when you come around

I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes
Before I even realize the ride I'm on baby I'm long gone
I get carried away nothin' matters but bein' with you
Like a feather flyin' high up in the sky on a windy day, I get
carried away

It might seem like an ordinary night
Same ol' stars, the same ol' moon up high
But when I see you standin' at your door
Nothin's ordinary anymore.

Repeat Chorus:
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[02 Jun 2003|11:01pm]
freddy peterson!!!!!

kay, maybe i'm just drunk or something, but when dorothy says 'you'll always be my sisters' at the end of the last episode, i can't help but think of swoosie kurtz in 'citizen ruth' when she says 'you don't know the meaning of SISTERS'...

kay, just funny to me...
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[02 Jun 2003|09:50pm]
[ mood | manic ]

omg. white russians and the golden girls. i am in heaven...

i can't wait to be a golden girl. i love blanche, rose, dorothy, and sofia. i want to go from being blanche to sofia. i need to visit the south, and italy, in that order, just to be prepared.

i should have been asleep an hour ago.

1 comment|post comment

alright, last post for a little while...(a few minutes) [24 May 2003|08:51pm]
[ mood | oh so crazy ]

i have been thinking of making friends filters for awhile, just for FUN, and i know i tend to post more frequently and incoherently while drinking...if you actually read my journal still (hah hah *choke*) then tell me if you DON'T want my drunken ramblings, i admit my drinking is a problem, sometimes, for some people, so just say it...and then i can make a FILTER...or if you WANT to hear it, then i can make an itty bitty filter, with just like my best friend cuz she has to hear it all...

oh yeah, and i want to see unfaithful...i would do richard gere, still...

4 comments|post comment

i love the eighties, blah blah [24 May 2003|08:48pm]
now i want to watch 'heathers' SOOOO BAD!

i love traci lords take on it, "i thought they should just kiss and make up" (winona and christian)
6 comments|post comment

okay, i found it...more tim mcgraw... [16 Apr 2003|01:37pm]
[ mood | sigh ]

Red Ragtop

Well I was 20 and she was 18
And we were just about as wild
As we were green in the ways of the world
She'd pick me up in that red ragtop
And we were free of the folks
And hiding from the cops
Out on the summer nights
Running all the red lights
And we'd park way out in the clearing in a grove
And the night was as hot as a coal burning stove
And we were cookin with gas
You know it had to last

In the back of that red ragtop
She said please don't stop

Well the very first time her mother met me
Her green-eyed girl had been a mother to be for 2 weeks
I was out of a job and she was in school
Life was fast and the world was cruel
And we were young and wild
We decided not to have a child
So we did what we did
And we tried to forget
And we swore up and down
There'd be no regrets in the morning light
And on the way home at night

From the back of that red ragtop
She said please don't stop
Loving me

We took one more trip around the sun
But it was all make believe in the end
And I can't say where she is today
I can't remember who I was back then

Well you do what you do
And you pay for your sins
And there's no such thing
As what might have been
That's a waste of time
Drive you out of your mind

I was stopped at a red light just yesterday
Beside a young girl in a Cabriolet
And her eyes were green
And I was in an old scene

I was back in that red ragtop
On the day she stopped
Loving me

I was back in that red ragtop
On the day she stopped
Loving me
Loving me

2 comments|post comment

not the cheesy 80's lyrics i promised...much better... [16 Apr 2003|12:52pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i couldn't find the words to red ragtop...just as well...i don't need that kind of depressing right now...so here...

Six lanes, tail lights
Red ants marchin' into the night
They disappear to the left and right again
Another supper
From a sack
A 99 cent heart attak
I got a poundin' head and an achin' back
And the camels standin' in a big straw stack


I'm gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed
Point our rockin' chairs towards the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river cools
Where the green grass grows

Well I'm from
A map dot
A stop sign on a blacktop
I caught the first bus that I could hop from there
But all o' this glitter is gettin' dark
There's concrete glowin' in the city park
I don't know who my neighbors are
And there's bars on the corner and bars on my heart

(Repeat chorus 2x)

1 comment|post comment

[16 Mar 2003|06:27pm]
[ mood | irrepressible ]

the boy is coming home to spend time with me and barbecue...he wanted me to go to his cousins, but i am not up for it...i can feel the migraine creeping back in and messy boys and lots of noise do not sound fun right now...i just want to curl up in clean sheets and watch the simpsons...and maybe get me some lovin...yeah, i could use some lovin...it was such a nice weekend, it seems a shame to go back to work...random livejournal people from different parts of the country all ended up in nicos living room last night...talked of cats and weddings and serial killers...i felt all warm and nice...sometimes people don't have to put on defenses, or put up walls, and can just find something they like about someone else...find some connection...thats how i felt...connected...like i was a part of something bigger, and there was nothing unkind, nothing to fear...some days, i just love the world...it reminds me of being 16, when most days i felt the love about to burst out of my heart...when the days were sunny and we walked everywhere and there was always a place i felt welcome...i just want to wrap it up, now, to save for the bad places...but instead i bask, and watch it slip through my fingers like the most precious of jewels...i know where to find it again...

3 comments|post comment

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